Book review: Platonic

How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-and Keep-Friends

 

Episode Notes (by minute):

(Note: these are quick notes and takeaways by David Nebinski. Please see the episode for more accurate information)

-“Connection affects who we are, and who we are affects how we connect”

-“Friendship is cast as a lesser relationship, a buffer to soften the purgatory between leaving our family and finding a new one”

-“One study, for example, found that hanging out with friends was linked to greater happiness than hanging out with a romantic partner or children”

-“We choose our friends, which allows us to surround ourselves with people who root for us, get us, and delight in our joy… through friendship, we can self-select into some of the most affirming, safe, and sacred relationships of our lives, not because of pressures from society to do so, but because we elect to do so.”

-“…research finds that friendship is what gives romantic love its strength and endurances, rather than the other way around.”

-“Self-expansion theory…. The theory emphasizes that our identity needs to constantly expand for us to be fulfilled, and relationships are our primary means for expansion 

-“Our past friendships, the evidence suggests, prepare us for connection throughout our lives…. friendship begets friendship”

-“There are also many ways that I’m secured in friendship. When I meet someone I like, I’m not shy about asking them to hang out and even following up to check in if I haven’t head back.”

-“But friendship requires initiative, and that means we must confront our gravest fears.”

-“In fact believing that friendships happen organically - that the cosmic energies will bestow a friend upon you — actually hinders people from making friends, because it stops them from being intentional about doing so.”

-“We can relearn an important truth, one that is based on the science of friends and romance: having close friends betters our romantic relationships.”

-“When secure people assume others like them, this is a self fulfilling prophecy termed “the acceptance prophecy.”

-“Overall, this research reveals one of the important secrets to taking initiative in a friendships. Assume people like you. Want to invite a friend on a coffee date? Assume they’re interested…. Another reason propinquity works because if we know we might see someone again, we like them more.”

- “Keep showing up… “one last reason why propinquity works is that we like people when we are exposed to them more and they become familiar to us. In the psychology wold, this is called the “mere exposure effect.”

-“When you choose to be a friend, you choose to show up”

-“Technology and social media have created a loose-tie culture: we have so more so-called friends, and yet we feel close to fewer of them than ever.”

-“Not every friend has to be a best friend. Maybe we expect less from them, share less of ourselves, and compartmentalize the friendship to what feels most fulfilling about it.”

-“Telling people you appreciate them, value them, or see so much good in them builds friendships, no matter how close you are. The more you show affection, the more likely you are not to just make friends, but also deepen the friendships you already have.”

-“people like the people they think like them”

Published Date: 10/20/22